dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
