the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
