In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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