so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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