i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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