before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
