WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
