Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
pop tarts are not kleenex
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
