guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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