.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
