this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
