oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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