Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
