how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
