She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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