And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
