Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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