I only kidnapped one of them. chill
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
