My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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