i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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