in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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