true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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