Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
