woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
