i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
