My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
