i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
