She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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