John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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