Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
