Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
it was like eating out sand paper
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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