I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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