Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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