when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
