Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
