I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Randomize
