If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
PANTIES FOUND
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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