I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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