How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
