Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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