I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
