do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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