My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
