Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
