ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
