I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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