i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
