so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
