my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
