stop calling my apartment porn island.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
