Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
