So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Less talking, more tequila
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
