turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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