my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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