I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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