there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
