CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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