I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
